Ask a Crossdresser: Sexuality while dressed 5


Is it normal that I’m attracted to guys when I’m dressed?

I’ve heard this a lot – enough for me to say “Yes, this is normal. Lots of people experience this.”

However – I don’t understand it. I’ve heard lots and lots of people say that in the instances where they dress up, they find themselves attracted to members of the same gender. The thing I find curious is why that would be. Sexuality is fluid, absolutely – but I don’t feel more attracted to women if I’m putting up shelves, and I don’t feel like I start becoming attracted to men when I’m doing laundry (“Pfft, like that ever happens!” I imagine my wife saying when she reads this).

My suspicion is that for those people who do feel that their sexuality is altered when dressed up, that maybe there’s more of a sexual element to dressing than they might admit (which is TOTALLY FINE) and that sexual trigger ties up with thoughts/feelings/fantasies that include people of their own gender (ALSO FINE) that may just not surface at other times.

But what the hell do I know.

Is that normal? Sure! Like what you like, love who you love, and fantasize about whatever you want. Accept your thoughts and feelings as your own :) Be who you are – just don’t hurt anyone <3

Personally… Nothing really changes for me.


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5 thoughts on “Ask a Crossdresser: Sexuality while dressed

  • Jenny

    I really appreciate your blog. I’ve been reading extensively anything I can find on the subject recently as my own fiance cross-dresses occasionally but regularly. I love him completely and embrace this side of him and we have fun together with it, but I have confusion surrounding it which I just don’t see addressed directly in anything I’ve read so far. Here it is: I adore his masculine persona, and when he dresses I miss it. I can roll with it very well but it does cause me some temporary distress and it is not a sexual turn-on for me (although we do engage that way while he’s dressed and it can be great.) He is aware that when he presents this way, he is absolutely not cultivating a look that attracts me… in fact the effect is the opposite, and he is perfectly aware of this. This being the case, I feel an irrational sense of being rejected. I feel at that moment that it is more important to him to do this than to be attractive to me, and I can’t help but feel hurt. More confusion arrises from the fact that he truly wants me to find him attractive and to have enthusiastic sex while he’s dressed. So, my question is, who is he dressing to attract? He’s not gay, but he is presenting himself in a way that is specifically geared to engage the desire and approval of straight men. He insists it’s “for himself,” and I believe that’s how he feels, but the logic is just hard for me to understand I guess. People dress for the audience they want to attract in general, and if he wanted to attract me/women, he’d be rocking that scruffy beard and masculine gear. This disconnect seems like an obvious point of discussion but I’m not seeing it anywhere… I’d be very grateful for your thoughts. Thank you!

    • Giselle

      My boyfriend is a Crossdresser and for a long time I felt just the same as you Jenny. We have talked about this over and over for years, I understand he needs to dress and go out, he dresses for himself but he likes the felling of being a woman although he’s not gay he likes to feel admire by straight men.
      When he dresses he is with me most of the times because he doesn’t like to go out alone and we have so much fun together, so I feel happy being supportive and loving him just the way he is. He was born with this and he deserves to be accepted and loved just like any other man does.
      I don’t know if I am too open mided or what but when it comes to sex, we enjoy experiencing new things together even when he is dreesed I treat her as a woman, but what we do most of the time, is that she gets into the restroom and transforms again to the man he is and that way we both are pleased and satisfied
      Try to help him with his fantasies if you really love him you will find it easier.
      Another important thing is that you try to separate the way you see his alter ego from the way you see him as a man. Think of them as two different persons but understand that this is a part of him, appreciate the fact that he is being honest with you. I suggest you talk to him and discuss together about balancing because you (just as any other woman) need to see him as a man more often.
      What I have very clear in my mind is that the acceptance and support a crossdresser could have from a woman is proportional to the amount of love you feel about him.
      You guys keep talking about the issues you both might have and find solutions.

    • Sal

      Disconnect -that is such an apt description. I have wondered for years and years who my husband is trying to be ‘attractive’ for when he dresses. Certainly not me, or straight women in general, as clearly we prefer masculinity. And yet, here he is, hoping I’ll find him attractive as a woman! Um, no!

      It’s almost like something is cross-wired in their brains and it comes out as crossdressing. Most straight men are attracted to straight women and innately understand they should present as men. And then here’s our husbands, straight men, trying to attract straight women while presenting as women! What a mess. They should be studied in a lab somewhere to see what on earth went wrong, haha.

      Anyway, I have no idea why my husband is this way, but I do know it makes for a reduction in intimacy due to this glitch. He is obviously more intense about everything when dressed, whereas I shut down as it does nothing for me. He would actually be better off being gay as then at least he might find a man who doesn’t feel repulsed.

      Anyway, weird isn’t it. Crossdressing discussions are always about how to dress more, gain acceptance, involve wives or be out in public. I never see a discussion on how screwed up the mindset behind it actually is. I remember reading a news article about a bunch of male ducks who had grown female feathers and couldn’t get female partners because the female ducks weren’t interested. Rather than tell the male ducks to learn self acceptance, and the female ducks to open their minds, the scientists got worried and wondered what was causing this big biological mistake. Something just doesn’t add up.

    • Liz Summers Post author

      Hi Sal
      Does he genuinely hope that you find him attractive as a woman? Or Has he asked you if you think he looks good? Those are definitely two separate things. You say most straight men innately understand that they should present as men, which I would counter with “most people understand that they should present as themselves” which is exactly what your husband is doing.

      Your husband doesn’t know why he’s the way that he is either. Most certainly, if he had the ability to not be that way, he would take it.

      Of course crossdressing discussions are about how to gain acceptance – acceptance is what we want, because we’re not hurting anyone, and being accepted would make us happy. Doesn’t everyone want to be accepted? Have you ever not felt accepted? Consider what that must feel like for your whole life, that your very existence might be reviled by someone.

      You talk about a screwed-up mindset – what exactly are you referring to? This isn’t some belief system that we’ve adopted. This is how we’re built – this isn’t something that we can just turn off, otherwise we would’ve done that years ago.

    • Liz Summers Post author

      Hi Jenny :) Thanks for reading, and sorry to be replying to this almost a year later!
      Your statement of “People dress for the audience they want to attract” I think is false. Is it that at every moment you as a woman are dressing to attract men? I don’t think so (I could be wrong!) – otherwise I’d be wearing… whatever it is women like men to wear. I think it’s more that people wear what they think expresses themselves – our clothes are an extension of our personality. Don’t try to see it from the perspective of “He should dress how I like at all times, otherwise he’s rejecting me!” – consider that the other way around – does he expect you to be wearing stuff that turns him on 24/7? I think that’s an unrealistic expectation.

      Try to consider that this is just a thing he needs to do. Like a hobby that you have no interest in, to some extent :)