When I was younger, I was pretty convinced that I would never find someone to be with, because I thought I was hideous and broken. As it turns out, I did, and I’m not! I suppose I haven’t written very much about what it’s like to be a married crossdresser, other than how awesome it is to have a super-supportive wife, but one thing that I think doesn’t necessarily get heard much of is how the partner of crossdressers think of it, how they deal with it, and what their hopes and fears are.
A little while ago, I asked some of you if you had any questions for my wife – In all her own words (I have edited literally nothing), here are her answers :)
What do you think of Liz’s dressing?
I think Liz has a cute behind, great legs and even greater style! I think he has really, really evolved wonderfully over the years style wise. He really pays attention, and has learned what looks good on his body, what makeup works for him, etc. And I seriously love the wigs, they are so much fun.
When did you find out about it?
I knew long before we ever got together. We were friends over the internet for four years before we met in person. I knew pretty much right from the start. I was in the circle of people that he trusted with that (at the time) secret part of his life. So there was never a “big reveal” for us. I always knew. :) But even if I hadn’t, I don’t think he would have waited long to tell me once we started dating. He’s simply not a secretive or deceptive person.
Do you shop together? Suggest styles for Liz?
We don’t really shop together simply because Liz does not enjoy shopping in stores. hahaha He is more of an internet shopper. We do sit and look at things online together, and even though the last thing I’ll ever be accused of being is fashionable, he still asks my opinion, and that always makes me feel good. :) I do suggest things sometimes, when I see something I think is cute or that I think he’d like… I definitely point it out. I have been known to buy things while out shopping, too. I am obsessed for some reason with trying to buy cute panties for him… but I always fail. They never fit right when I pick them out!
Do you wear the same size as Liz?
We do not wear the same size, really. I’m more of a chub, and although a lot of his things WILL fit me, they are snug, and I don’t really do snug. I’m a jeans, converse and t-shirt/hoodie sort of gal. As for shoes, his feet are two sizes bigger than mine. And I would break my neck trying to walk in heels. :x
Do you mind if she borrows your clothes/shoes?
I would not mind at all, though honestly Liz is a much classier dresser than I am. :) I do have one salmon colored sweater with an adorable hedgehog on the front that he likes, and is welcome to borrow, but I’m pretty sure it’d be too big. *lol*
Does Liz have her own clothing budget? Do you?
Indeed! He has a monthly budget and is usually very good about sticking to it. ;) I have a budget as well but mine is usually spent on other things. (Books, dvds, whatever) I am a total skinflint about spending money on clothes for myself. Books, I need more books! And more Olaf toys! (I’m totally ridiculous with my Frozen love.)
Do you share a closet?
We did until recently. We lived in a one bedroom apartment with a decently big walk in closet. We shared that. We bought our first home this past November… and there are two small closets. So I got one closet and he got one. His boy clothes are in the closet and then Liz has her own swanky gigantic wardrobe from IKEA, which kicks ass! I love it. I like to open it up and admire all the pretty dresses. :D I actually organized them. After we assembled the wardrobe(s), I organized all of his clothes into it. It was fun. :) He totally has more clothes than me, even his every day boy wardrobe totally outnumbers mine. He has an impressive t-shirt collection, and unlike my panty failure, I totally rock at picking out awesome t-shirts for my hubbin. ;D Side note: More than once I offered to share my side of our previous walk-in closet with him, because my clothes didn’t take up my whole side, but he always refused. He would say, “NO!” and that was that. haha He refused to hog part of my half, which I thought was sweet… and a little silly, since I didn’t need it all. But mostly sweet. :)
What are the hardest moments for you to deal with as the wife of a crossdresser?
One small thing I really struggle with is the he/she thing. I have a very hard time referring to Liz as “she.” No matter what he’s wearing, he’s my husband. I simply can not think in terms of “she” when talking about my husband. I struggle with it because I don’t want to seem disrespectful if I say “he” (about my husband or anyone else who crossdresses). I do understand (and respect) the mentality behind it … we’ve had many discussions about it. Even now, sitting here answering these questions, I’m stressed that anyone reading will think I’m a jerk for saying “he” instead of “she.” But I think mostly that’s probably a trivial issue, and probably a bigger deal in my head than it actually is. Something that truly is difficult for me to deal with is every time he goes out dressed. I worry that someone will try to hurt him. I worry about violence against him. I worry that our neighbors might give him grief. I worry even just that someone will make negative comments. I think that he’s made ENORMOUS strides and is so much more confident than he was before he came out in the open to everyone, but deep down he has a very sensitive heart and soul, and I know that that kind of hurtful crap would cut deep, and he’d hold onto it for awhile. So yeah… I worry about people hurting him, whether physically or emotionally.
Is there a downside for you with Liz’s dressing?
Nothing serious or bad, no. The only thing really is the total body shave… when it grows back, obviously he’s prickly all over, and that can be pretty irritating on my skin when we’re getting frisky. hahaha But otherwise, no. The dressing is part of who he is, and I wouldn’t change him. I love him just the same in jeans and t-shirts as I do in skirts and heels. It *is* a little strange to hug him when he’s dressed, because I’m not used to boobs being in the way (other than my own, I guess)!
Are there any upsides?
The upside isn’t really for me so much as it is for him and the people who reach out to him. It is seriously heartwarming when he gets emails from fellow crossdressers thanking him for his blog posts. To know that he is helping someone who may still be in the closet… telling them IT IS OKAY TO BE WHO YOU ARE… and not only is it okay, it rocks! Or just helping someone figure out their makeup or clothes… it really makes me proud of him. And he always responds. He doesn’t just take the gratitude or compliments and strut around. He takes the time to respond and communicate. It is the most comforting thing to think you’re alone and then suddenly realize you aren’t. He’s a good person. He cares about people. But that’s really an upside to being married to him. Not just about his crossdressing.
Do you consider yourself to be an advocate/booster for Liz’s lifestyle?
I hope so. I mean, I think that I am, yes. I don’t stand on a soapbox shouting about it to anyone who will listen… but I definitely am positive about it whenever anyone asks me. I’ve had questions (sometimes snarky) thrown at me, wanting to know why my husband is dressed like a woman. So I tell them why. Someone close to me used to assume that he was just being funny, and would comment about how it just cracked them up. I told them he’s not doing it to be funny. This is part of who he is. I explained it. Sometimes people are being jerks… and sometimes they just truly don’t understand. I have no problem standing up for him to the jerks, and taking time to talk about it to anyone who has questions. I once posted a picture of him shampooing our carpet. He was wearing a skirt and dangly earrings in it. (not dressed up, just his comfy lounge clothes) One of my male facebook friends messaged me and sarcastically asked, “Is he vacuuming in a dress and earrings? o.O” And I replied simply, “No, silly, that’s a skirt!” And didn’t bother to elaborate. I do not have time for macho bullshit trying to knock my husband down. As if wearing a skirt somehow makes him less. Screw that, and screw it hard!
What has been the key to making this relationship work?
We are perfectly suited. He’s my best friend, and vice versa. From the minute we first met we felt completely comfortable and safe around each other, rare for both of us. (So incredibly rare for me. There are maybe three people on the entire planet I’m honestly truly comfortable around.) We are so lucky we both found that one person we can truly be ourselves with. We are both weird, silly people, and that is awesome. We love our weird and silly. I can’t imagine either of us being able to live so happily with anyone else. Or anyone else being able to handle our level of silly weirdness. ;D This is not to say we haven’t had hard times… we’ve had arguments and disagreements. But we always talk it out (we never yell or curse at each other, ever) and we are both able to take those talks to heart and really grow from them. At the end of the day we both genuinely want each other to be happy. In our relationship and in every other part of our lives, too.
What advice would you give to crossdressers in their own relationships?
Oh boy, I don’t really know how to answer this one if I’m honest. I mean, every person is different. Every relationship is different. It’s hard to give general advice, especially to people I don’t know and whose relationships I know nothing about. I would just tell any person (crossdresser or otherwise) to respect each other… be honest and open… be kind. Really, that’s just good advice for humanity in general, right? :)
How has Liz changed from when she was in the closet about it to when she was open about it?
So much more confidence. So much less self loathing. I’m sure you know what a huge weight that was. (Carrying any kind of secret that is huge in your life would weigh any person down.) And now he is just so much more free. And I think has finally reached a point where he knows he’s not a freak, he’s not a bad person, that there is nothing broken or wrong inside of him. I think coming out really allowed him to become the fully realized person he was keeping locked up. He’s so brave. I admire him a lot. He gets out there and does things that scare him, until they don’t scare him anymore. Totally badass. :)
What’s your biggest fear about Liz?
My biggest concern, aside from what I already mentioned about violence against him… if that if we ever have a kid… what will happen when we reach the point that our child starts school, starts interacting with other kids without our supervision, etc. That’s a long time off (we don’t have kids yet) but I worry about it A LOT. In no way do I want it to be hidden (his crossdressing) but also in no way do I want our kid getting beat up or made fun of when they tell other kids about how daddy dresses like a girl. Because kids can be cruel, and kids can be dumb. I do really worry about this a lot. And I absolutely refuse to raise a child to believe that they have to hide any part of who they are. I refuse to impose gender stereotypes. If my son wants to wear a tutu and play with dolls, then he will damn well wear a tutu and play with dolls. And if my daughter wants to wear Batman underoos and play with Hot Wheels, then she will damn well wear Batman underoos and play with Hot Wheels. So, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. And hopefully we will cross it gracefully.
Well, that’s that! If you have any more questions for her, email them to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll see if she wants to write more :D